And Now The News…

“Welcome to Action News Dallas at 10. I’m Johnny Goodhair…”

“And I’m Linda Smoothskin.”

“At the top of the news, we actually go to Sports Director Randy Jockitch, who says he has a breaking story. Randy?”

“Thanks, Johnny. We have an intense war of words going on tonight…”

“Really. Randy? What did Jerry Jones say now?”

“It wasn’t Jerry Jones, Linda…”

“OK, then, A Mark Cuban story. Go ahead, Randy…”

“Not Mark Cuban either, Johnny.”

“A Cowboys player then. Demarcus Ware, maybe…He talks pretty good smack.”

“Not the Cowboys and not the Mavericks either. Heck, not even the Stars!”

“We’re leading off the news with a war of words from SMU? Nobody cares about SMU.”

“No. Linda, this involves the Rangers.”

“The Rangers? Are you serious? Since 1972, there has NEVER been trash talk going on about the Rangers.”

“Well, the times have officially changed. The big story today is, after 38 years in Arlington, people are trash-talking the Rangers and it’s making national news! First, Yankees President Randy Levine had this to say about new Rangers CEO Chuck Greenberg: ‘He has been running the Rangers for a few minutes and seems to believe he’s mastered what everyone else is thinking. I think he should let Cliff Lee speak for himself. I’ll be impressed when he demonstrates he can keep the Rangers off welfare. What I mean is make them not be a revenue-sharing recipient for three years in a row, without taking financing from baseball or advance money from television networks. Then I’ll be impressed.'”

“The Yankees are talking nationally about the Rangers? This IS news!”

“It sure is, Johnny. Going back over the records, I can’t find one instance of the Yankees even acknowledging the Rangers’ existence, even the three years in the late 90’s when they met in the playoffs. In fact, I think they were under the impression then that they were just playing the Red Sox on a neutral field. And that’s not the only news.”

“There’s more?”

“There sure is, Linda. It’s also being reported that former Astro Lance Berkman, now a St. Louis Cardinal, said this about the Rangers: ‘The Rangers offered me $8 million to play for them in 2011, but I felt the Rangers caught “lightning in a bottle” in 2010 and would be an average team without Cliff Lee.’ He also disparaged the Rangers’ signing of third baseman Adrian Beltre. Berkman, as we know, signed on with the Cardinals in the off-season.” Rangers pitcher CJ Wilson called a local sports radio talk show and fired back some comments of his own.”

“Wait a minute. Randy. Now you’re saying not only did someone talk trash about the Rangers, someone on the Rangers knows how to talk trash BACK?”

“Nobody was as surprised by that as me, Johnny. Here’s what Wilson said in response: ‘I think it’s funny. [Berkman] was contemplating retirement, so I’m not going to take anything too seriously. I’m not going to get offended by anything he says. […] Adrian Beltre is the best defensive third baseman in baseball, and he’s a pretty good hitter as well. I don’t know if anyone knows he hit .340 last year, which is definitely better than .220. I’m pretty stoked about having him on my team.’ So there you have it. For the first time in their history, the Rangers have achieved a level of success that has people trying to tear them down in the national media. Back to you, Linda.”

“What surprising news. Next thing you know, the Rangers will be the lead sports story during the Cowboys training camp in August. JUST KIDDING! That’s Action News for tonight. Have a great evening.” 


One comment

  1. blithescribe

    I appreciate your humorous spin on the whole war of words. Very well written and thanks for the laugh! I don’t think the Rangers caught lightening in a bottle, though as an Angels fan I might wish it were otherwise, LOL. I have no doubt but which the Rangers are going to be really tough again this year.
    – Kristen